Often illustrations are nice and humorous and add flavor to a message. Then there are times when the power of story and illustration cuts right to the soul. During a "Kingdom Living" conference in Phoenix, Arizona, Dallas Willard offered up an illustration that not only cut through to my soul, but it has stuck with me and inspired change in how I view life. And how I live it.Willard spoke of what type of person it takes to love your enemies, and he spoke of someone walking up to you and spitting in your face. At that moment, says Willard, you are either the type of person who can love someone who spits in your face, or you are not. No amount of will or direct effort can cause you to love that person if you are not already the type of person who even could love someone like that. To obey Jesus' command to love your enemies, you must be a person who actually can love their enemies.

With that illustration in mind, I began thinking about how I have handled life. I had pretty much believed that I was free to choose whatever I wanted to do, and I could choose the right thing. I knew that often I did not choose the right thing, but I just blamed my sinful nature for those mistakes. Certainly, I knew there was growth, and that I should become better at choosing the right thing, but I did not give much thought to becoming the type of person who would naturally do the right thing. Had I thought about it, I would not have known where to start!

When hidden issues surface
For many years, I have seen recurring sins in my life. When I think I am finally over them, I realize that I had just not been faced with serious temptation or opportunity to fail. I may be too hard on myself, for certainly I can see improvement in some of my issues, but for the most part, I am greatly disappointed by the lack of personal growth in my life.

A relationship issue sparked this article. Issues came out which I thought were long gone, but they were as alive as ever. It was almost as if I was transported back a little more than three years ago, when my wife left and divorced me. I found myself becoming petty and irritated by things which were entirely insignificant. I became more selfish than I had been in years, and suddenly, I was acutely aware when anyone else (especially the girl I was dating) was acting selfish themselves. This awareness only served to make me more upset and unreasonable.

There is something about a relationship between a man and a woman that brings out both the best and the worst in each person. A pastor friend of mine once counseled me, "Marriage is the crucible by which God crucifies us." The principle he was pointing out to me was that in an intimate relationship, our issues come to the surface and cannot be easily hidden. No matter how hard we try, the good, the bad, and the ugly all find their way to the surface of our lives and manifest themselves at the most inopportune times. Since I had not been in a serious relationship since my divorce, my recent dating fiasco brought forth a whole slew of issues which I did not realize I still had.

There were some things I was already aware of (you know: fear of commitment, desire to do whatever I want, not wanting to be responsible to another person for your time, not wanting to compromise - basically all the things that drive women crazy about men), but I was shocked to find the old issues, which had seemed to be lone gone, reappear on the scene.

When these issues came out, I was forced to consider how to deal with them. At first, I did what I had always done in the past: ignore them and act like they will go away. That didn't work. Then, I tried to just will myself into the right frame of mind, so that I would not be petty and childish. That didn't work either. Finally, Dallas Willard's illustration came to mind, and I realized what I must do.

When you can't do it by direct effort
The path I have to embark on became clear. The issues in my life relating to relationships can only be overcome by transformation. I have to become a different person. Just like Willard's illustration, I am either the type of person who can not be petty and childish when my significant other rubs me the wrong way, or I am not. I found out I am not.

A definitive course of action which will lead to real change in my life is the only answer. If I have any hope to overcome these issues, it is through the long, difficult road of spiritual disciplines. The spiritual disciplines are activities which allow you to be able to do what you cannot do by direct effort. They are also tools of intimacy with Christ which draw you closer to Him. I had known this truth for some time, but like many in our teaching-centered Christianity, I was content with knowing the right way to live and not actually living the right way.

Even though I had experienced the power of the disciplines, I did not maintain a consistent practice of them. I can point to only one extended period of time in my life where real transformation took place without the assistance of some trial or tragedy driving me towards God. When I fasted one day a week for the entire year, I emerged a different person. While the practice could have turned into ritual, it offered me the time and motivation to just sit with God and have a conversation. Sometimes, I would just sit and know I am in the presence of God. Like cuddling with your partner, I was content to bask in the nearness of God.

One difficulty, however, is that the disciplines cannot easily be focused in on many of the specific issues we face. The only thing we can do is to use them to open our lives up to God's changing grace, and by that grace to be transformed from glory to glory in to the image of Christ (2 Corinthians 3:18). Only in the slow painful process of transformation can we find victory over the sins which run so deeply into the depths of our being.

Variety in disciplines is good, consistency is better
If you have not engaged in spiritual disciplines, you may be wondering where to start. I will offer some suggestions here, but I highly recommend Dallas Willard's book, The Spirit of the Disciplines, as well as Richard Foster's, Celebration of Discipline. Another helpful book is John Ortberg's, The Life You've Always Wanted. If you are at all serious about engaging in the disciplines, read one or all of the above books.

Above, I mentioned that I fasted one day a week for an entire year. The consistency of having one day a week to engage in a discipline helped me tremendously. If you are the type of person, as I am, who finds scheduling difficult, the best thing you can do is to have a regularly scheduled day where you practice one or more of the disciplines. The practice will nurture a side of you which is more than likely starved for attention. This nourishment will add fullness and a more holistic wellness to you.

On the other hand, if you are a compulsive scheduler, you may already have quiet or devotional time set aside every week. More than likely, this is easy for you to do. The ease of it, in my opinion, may keep you back from finding meaningful change in your life. For you, I highly recommend setting aside one or two random times a month where you engage in a discipline you do not do on a regular basis. Perhaps four to eight hours of solitude (real solitude, don't even bring your bible!), a multiple-day fast, or short scripture memorization coupled with several hours of meditating on the meaning of the words could go far in giving room for God to transform your very being.

Don't pigeonhole yourself, either. Although I need the consistency of regular disciplines, I would find my life lacking if I never took the random trip into the mountains for solitude or an extended fast. One of the keys, for me anyway, is to put effort into the activities that are more difficult for me. It is very easy for me to do the random practice of the disciplines, I frequently do. Engaging regularly in the disciplines, however, comes to me in a very difficult manner.

The next time around
Perfection will certainly not be attained in my life, and more than likely I won't even be close to perfect by the next time someone I am dating rubs me the wrong way. But by God's grace, I may find He has changed me in to someone who isn't quite as issue-ridden as I am now. It is my prayer that God transform me into someone who reflects his character and love rather than the petty selfishness which marks me now. By engaging God regularly, I believe He will do just that.